The Trick to Wonder
He said he was a magician, at least during the weekends or when he was not at his real job. He was answering one of my favorite tricks when meeting someone new: Ask a unique, open-ended question like the one I asked him: “If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?”
A powerful question for a networking event, because it cuts through the rehearsed lines, and the automatic responses and reveals a person’s passion. He, though was not there for networking, but for the free food and drinks. I wondered what was the slight of hand that got him Into the networking event. He certainly was trying to maintain a lower profile and not like the rest of us, people like me who were hocking our wares and services.
He was staying at the hotel that was also hosting a business networking event for the Spokane Chamber of Commerce. He was not part of the Chamber, but because the event was held at the lobby of the hotel he was staying at; the hotel had blurred the line between chamber people, guests, and the general public. Better to give out free food and booze than to police the different groups. The word spread about the giveaway beer, the sliced salami trays, and pulled pork sandwiches. Soon guests came to get their fill. He actually was in Spokane as a traffic flagman for a highway project. So, when I asked my question, it broke past the shell we all create to navigate the world. He shared stories about his hobby about being a professional magician—birthday parties, corporate events, and county fairs. He once even performed at a wedding where the couple wanted something beyond the ordinary to celebrate their mutual “I do.”
He then showed a group of us networkers a couple of slide of hand tricks, though it was unplanned. He was able to make cards appear from his mouth, steal a woman’s watch, and after returning from his room, flowers appear from the ear of a young yoga teacher’s ear. I agreed with others in our group of networkers that he was good, very good. He loved being a magician, but of course it didn’t pay the bills. He was in fifties, so any chance of making a living let alone being far more famous had become a mere illusion. Though, that had liberated him to perform for the love of simply connecting with others by amazing them with his craft. He had a website, though. Proof that his love was real.
I wondered about him. Wonder being the foundation of connection. We make lightning-strike judgments about others, which, of course, is necessary to live in ordinary life. The trick is that such judgments draw our attention to a solidified rock of thinking we are right about the other. Magic tricks work because optical illusions and cognitive tricks exploit our tendency to perceive things differently than they actually are. They work because our assumptions and judgments are imperfect even as they help navigate life. It is the same with creating authentic dialogue and connection. Our decisions about the other tricks us into a world where we see the other as an object. We can’t connect, love, or be loved by an object. It leaves us alone in the world, lonely.
When we let the flash of our judgment be illuminated by wonder at the vastness of another person’s existence, we open the door to connecting with them. Connection to the other arises out of engaging their mystery when we meet face to face rather than solving their mystery with a quick wave of the hand.
So how do we cultivate wonder about The other? And how do we cultivate wonder without letting ourselves be exploited? Our initial judgment may be correct, but it is most likely correct. It is only incomplete. I am disfigured with a small blind eye. Many people have made rude comments to me about my eye. That is true. Yet all who made these rude comments are more than being rude. We all can and indeed have been rude when we remember that others in the vastness of their lives, we can find wonder and open the possibility of connecting.
One of my favorite tricks to remind myself to wonder about the other is to imagine them on their 16th birthday or their 10th birthday. By reminding myself about the reality of the vastness of another, I can realize that they are more than the quick draw of a card I experience them with my snap judgment.