The Flaming Tool of Communication

Suddenly, a strike from an old school match and a blue flame ignited and the waiter cries out, “OPA!”

Saganaki was a showstopper when I worked in a small Greek restaurant in Albuquerque thirty years ago. It remains so as the TikTok videos suggest. I still remember the smell and joy of melted cheese.

Now, I think about this showstopper daily as I engage with others. Why? Was the show of brandy-soaked melted cheese so good that it deserves to be contemplated decades later? I must have seen the OPA show dozens of times when I worked and I don’t remember one particular cry of “OPA,” rather they have melded into one memory. The memory in and of itself while fun, more importantly it reminds me of one of the best skills for actively listening.

One of the first advice, articles on improving our communication is to become active listeners. Powerful advice with one serious drawback. Seldom does this advice come with anything, but causal observations of paying attention to our conversation partner or being present to the other. In other words, they tell you the importance of active listening and then give very vague instructions about how to listen to another actively. It is like telling a beginner in basketball that all you have to do is shoot baskets at a high percentage to be good at basketball. . Okay, but how? What skills do they need to shoot a basketball? Or for our efforts, what skills can we practice to become good at active listening?

Having led many communication workshops to prove the point of how useless this vague advice is, I will start out with this simple activity. I start by sharing vague advice that one usually finds online about being an active listener. Then I demonstrate how useless this advice is by engaging in two conversations. The first one is awkward followed by a one I use the OPA technique.

I start by asking for a volunteer and start my version of an awkward conversation. It usually goes something like this” “Do you like the summer?.”

They answer with yes or no. Then I shut up and listen as the vague advice suggested, Awkward silence follows for a moment as I "listen" to them.

Then I ask, “Do you like the beach or mountains?” They answer and again there is more uncomfortable silence.

I usually stop here and ask my conversation partner why this conversation was so awkward and do so by practicing OPA. I asked why they thought the conversation was so clumsy. The answer and I paraphrased what they said and asked if I understood them.

Suddenly because of OPA, the conversation opens up and we usually engage into a productive conversation, After pointing out how this second conversation is productive, I follow up by introducing OPA as a learnable skill. After explaining OPA, I asked the participants to engage one another in conversation by using OPA. The conversations flow. I usually have to step in as the dialogues would continue into the night and the following morning. I explain that OPA is a skill that has to be practiced daily. Then, I will share with them the story of the flaming Greek cheese to have an anchor to remember OPA, the flaming tool of communication.

So what is OPA other than celebrating the ignition of brandy-soaked slap of cheese? It is an acronym I created for a skill of active listening The O means asking Open-ended questions or questions that require more than one-word answers. The P means Paraphrasing what you heard to your open-ended question. Finally, the A means Asking if what you heard is correct.

OPA allows a person to open up by signaling you are listening to them. For those who use OPA, you have to pay attention to paraphrase what you heard. You can continue to practice OPA throughout the conversation. It is a simple skill that one can incorporate today, though, like all skills, it takes practice. And if one neglects to practice it, it will weaken and dissipate. It is a skill that needs to be practiced, practiced, and practiced. That is why I anchored it to the memory of the flaming cheese three decades ago. Before I go into a social event, I think “OPA!” and remember that blue flame.

It is important to point out that OPA does not dictate the conversation and is more a tool of connection rather than one of influence. Like all communication skills, it is not a magic spell to make people open up, rather it is an invitation to a conversation. One that works as listening is so rare to encounter. People will like you as we live in a desolate desert of little listening. It is here we have to say a word of warning that I was given years ago about this skill. Because we live in a listening desert, people will latch on longer to the conversations and we will have to learn the skill of how to politely bow out of conversations. But that skill is for another day.

Remember, OPA.